Take It Or Leave It

do not date boys who

like drugs more than almost anything in the world

or boys who 

break up with girls by never saying a word to them again ever

because the amount of anxiety it can cause is overwhelming and it makes you analyze everything you ever do and it makes waiting for a text 139485702387x more stressful because they might never text you back or they might be nodding off because of some heroin or their heart may have stopped beating and you have no way of knowing and you’re just sitting around worried that they hate everything about you and will never talk to you again.

But eventually they will text you back (hopefully) and kiss your lips again (hopefully) and hold your hand again (hopefully) and look at adorable animals with you some more (hopefully).

Or maybe they won’t and you’ll never have to worry again.
Or maybe they will and your heart will be so relieved and you’ll smile and keep on with your life.

Sometimes I send you pictures of cute animals while we are away from each other for long periods of time to make sure you’re still alive. My brain needs to know you’re okay, but it also knows that while it’s sitting around thinking about you, you, you, your brain is sitting around thinking about drugs, drugs, drugs, and other things and not me, me, me. Which is okay, but can be terrifying (especially after texts hinting at how we may never speak again because you may have to leave the country because you may have made another reckless decision which may have happened to be incredibly illegal) and sometimes it’s exhausting to know you may be gone at any second but my brain tries to avoid those thoughts. It just wants to know you are alive, breathing, and will be in my arms again soon. Because it when you are in my arms and when I’m in yours and I like knowing we’ll be with each other for a long-ish period of time. Fingers crossed you’ll be in my arms soon, full of stories that’ll give me anxiety but not too much of it because I’ll know you survived and are still alive and that all that really matters.

Starting to reach that point of the semester where I feel like I’m completely losing my mind, which I feel is justified because A. Homework/tests/quizzes to do everyday of every week B. Somebody stole my computer and now I have to live in the library/rely on it more than ever C. APO stuff Sunday and Monday nights when I need to be doing homework D. Drinking too much coffee (most likely) only eating kind of healthy (most likely) E. Although I thought I was going to feel at home finally I still don’t and am still living out of a backpack and it’s unsettling to not have your own place that you feel comfortable in at all times F. I have to be incredibly independent here because I still don’t have people’s shoulders I can lean on completely and oh god I am so exhausted G. So so so so so exhausted

because apparently I’m not supposed to care. I’m not supposed to care. I’m not supposed to care. I’m not supposed to care. I’m not supposed to care. I’m not supposed to care.

But I do.

• T: Wait, I took back half of the people by saying my name. Apparently my friends have big mouths. Stupid mahfackas. Stupid mahfackas. Sheeeeeeit.
• me: I honestly don't 100% understand that text.
• T: Sheeeeeeeit.
• me: sheeeeeit son. you're cray. you know what i'm sayin'?
• T: Naw Nigga.
• me: you should know what I'm sayin' #sweaterboyswag
• T: Chup up! You isn't no gangster yo.
• me: I'm watching that movie tonight with jess! lulz. I ain't no gangsta? I don't see you with no thug life tattoo on your belly, foo'
• T: I done gone done has had dat tattoo since I was fo yo.
• me: picz or it nevah happened, child
• T: Betch i isn't screaming no noise. y'all know what is is. Nahm sayin?
• me: naw, doe. you full o' it
• T: Nah Betch. I isn't no nickel on nobody's tab.
• me: dates cuz you so many nickels, youza dollah
• T: Dam Gurl, u da shit.
• me: thnx, foo'. I guess youz prettay kewl 2

on the evening of November 3rd, 2012: “Is you not being human supposed to be a secret? Carolyn I quit drugs forever. I just decided.”

just gonna keep that here for future reference/to make fun of that fool 5ever.

The awful moment when you’re insanely homesick but basically all of your friends are in a time zone two hours ahead of you which means it is 2:47 am there and you don’t want to call and wake them up but you just want to be reassured that everything is okay and everything is fine and you’re an anxious mess and don’t know what to do and I don’t know what to do.

Nothing is even wrong. I don’t know why I’m homesick, but I am. I want Iowa. IowaIowaIowa.

my heart is currently more sad than it’s been in a really long time and I don’t know how to talk to anybody about it and I should go to bed and not think about it because I have other more important things to worry about.

• Thomas: Sean and I are so confused.
• Me: about what?
• Thomas: Everything.
• Me: you guys are my favorite.